


To Be Empty

by charcolor



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Homophobia, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, YUP it's one of those nights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 02:23:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15184673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charcolor/pseuds/charcolor
Summary: Moondancer learns how it feels to be empty.(Takes place before Amending Fences, probably sometime during seasons 2 or 3.)





	To Be Empty

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I'm Writing My Little Pony Vent Fics Again Sorry
> 
> (i don't ever write mlp fics in first person (first pony?) POV so i hope i don't mess up and make it sound jarring or anything)

It's no secret that I've always loved reading books. Even as a filly, I'd take on the challenge of reading novels more mature than my reading level. Nothing inappropriate, just darker themes and concepts than you'd expect a child to be so engrossed in.

I wonder if it damaged my outlook.

Either way, I noticed a common theme in these darker books. Narrators and characters were always saying that they felt "empty." I couldn't understand how someone could just be completely devoid of any emotion. I couldn't even begin to imagine it.

What I didn't realize is that feeling "empty" is preceded by such extreme distress and sorrow. I didn't figure it out until I couldn't find the energy to feel anything or do anything.

My mistake that started that was trying to be social. I grew especially close to Twilight Sparkle. I didn't understand the sort of passion my heart seemed to exert for her, and I didn't understand why I didn't feel it for our other friends. It grew and grew until I happened to come across a passage of a certain novel that Twilight had given me. Two mares fell in love. 

That was how I learned that I was a lesbian. And I thought that was fine.

Of course, not long after, I recognized that I was in love with Twilight Sparkle. I wasn't nervous around her, contrary to what I'd learned about love. I wanted her to know that I saw her differently, but years passed and I still couldn't find out how to properly express my feelings. I thought, should I do something to really catch her attention, maybe try to seduce her? I couldn't pull that off. But Twilight had undeniably helped me with trying to make friends and be social. I wasn't very good at it, but I came up with an idea of how to help everything.

I held a party and invited my friends. It was a small party, since I didn't have many friends. As much as I appreciated all my friends, the most important guest was Twilight Sparkle. She'd been more distant lately, so she hadn't responded to my invitation, but I had faith she'd come.

I even wrote a letter expressing my feelings for her. I planned to read it to her when she came. I wasn't confident she'd accept it, but I held on to that novel she'd given me that helped me recognize how I felt, and I took it as a sign that things would be okay.

Lemon Hearts, Twinkleshine, and Minuette came. Twilight Sparkle wasn't with them, so I assumed she was running late. I knew she talked to Minuette frequently, so I asked her if Twilight was coming.

I wonder if I was too transparent. The way she bit her lip and looked away was a look of utter pity for me. I was disappointed. I was almost distraught. The party was so dull and meaningless without Twilight. But even through the sadness, I was confident Twilight was just very busy that day. It wouldn't be as nice, but I could confess to her the day after.

I'd never been to Twilight's home. So I asked Lyra Heartstrings for directions. Despite the casual nonchalance of her response, it still echoes deeply in me, and every time I remember it, it cracks my heart just a little more.

_"She moved to Ponyville yesterday."_

Lyra and I weren't especially close. In fact, out of my friends, Lyra was the one I was the least close to. I suppose "friends" isn't even an accurate term. Other than Minuette and Twilight, maybe, they were more like acquaintances. So I can only imagine how clueless and dumbfounded she was when I ran away trying to hide my tears.

I later found out that Nightmare Moon had returned, and Twilight Sparkle had ventured with five ponies into the Everfree Forest to recover the Elements of Harmony and restore Nightmare Moon to Princess Luna, the lost sister of Princess Celestia. It was honestly a little startling to miss such a significant event, but it made enough sense, since I'd managed to sleep through all of it. I could understand why Twilight might've been in such a rush to leave Canterlot and try and stop the worst case scenario. On its own, I was still a little betrayed she hadn't at least told me a little of her plan, or even told Minuette to deliver the message to me, but it was forgivable. But then, to hammer it in even further, she found five ponies that she liked so much that she decided to live in their village after knowing them for  _one day._

That was why I couldn't bring myself to leave my house anymore. Even when my acquaintances invited me. I think they knew something was wrong, and they were trying to help me feel normal again, but eventually they stopped trying. I guess I wasn't worth the effort. I don't blame them. After all, being close friends--or so I believed--with Twilight Sparkle wasn't enough to bring her back to Canterlot after one day of finding better friends. Why should any normal pony waste their energy trying to get me to be happy?

I ended up crying myself to sleep a lot, because in the dark, in bed, I would think and think and my true feelings would surface.

_I'm a curse. No one likes me. No one could ever love me. I'm a disgusting lesbian, why would anyone want to talk to someone like me? That's why she left. Because she found better friends that aren't constantly in awe of her and being creepy and predatory. Because she found friends who are normal, friends who aren't so stupid and boring and depressed like me._

I considered sending my love letter to Twilight. But she had more friends, and it'd spread, and soon I'd be known as Twilight Sparkle's abhorrent admirer from Canterlot. So I burned it. The longer I watched, the more I thought about just how sinful it was, and the more I wanted to burn off my skin in the fireplace.

I didn't. I'm a dirty coward.

I decided to try distracting myself by reading. It didn't work. The novels had reminders and soon the words blurred and fuzzed together and all I could think about was how  _filthy_ I was.

_Everything you feel is wrong. Every appalling fantasy you have of her, everything you imagined you'd share with her, is shameful. She's never going to want you when she knows what you really are._

I really started to hate myself. By extension, I started to hate Twilight. Even while I loved her. That sort of paradox was insufferable. I stopped knowing what was right, I couldn't think of myself as good because I still couldn't help missing her and wanting to love her even though she left and I was such an idiot for not accepting it everyone gets rejected why couldn't I get over it, why couldn't I stop wanting her, why would she abandon me after all this time, it's because I'm a freak who can't talk to other ponies who can't play games with them or go to restaurants or anywhere, a burden who can't bring herself to stop being in love in the most disgusting, sinful way who can't be brave enough to stop even if at the same time I want her so badly and I would dream of her and I'd wake up and remember and cry like the hopeless helpless thing I am, and I'm stupid, so stupid for being so worked up over someone who never even cared, no one ever cared, I was never worth caring about, and even the ones I cared about would just see me as a forgettable dent on their lives, a two-way mirror where I would see their loveliness so clearly but on the other side I'd be invisible, not even a thought, only a shadow of something that could have been vibrant once a light is shined on me and everyone knows what I really am.

_Pathetic. Foolish. Inadequate. Revolting. Predatory. Incompetent. Undesirable. Insignificant. Hopeless. Unstable. Abnormal. **Empty.**_

That was when my heart was empty. When I stopped crying, it just felt so tired, like all my tears were keeping it alive and now it had nothing to feed off of. My body ached, and I could barely bring myself to move it, and I would have found a knife and cut up my legs just to feel some kind of life again but I was too useless to budge.

I was wrong about one thing about emptiness. It wasn't completely blank, completely numb. Just exhaustion, with a monotonous recital of the truth about me repeating in my head, and the growing desire for death.

I was just so tired and I wanted to stop waking up. I tried going back to sleep every time I woke up. I ignored the stinging hunger. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to live in blank darkness or colorful pain.

Sleeping stopped working.

I left my house in the middle of the night. I never left my house anymore. I would go to the library sometimes, but it wasn't enough that night, and I found a lake. Winter was approaching, but the water hadn't been frozen yet. Part of me hoped that it would freeze over while I was under, but I doubted I could be that lucky.

No one was at the lake. I knew it was impossible, but I wish Twilight had been there watching. I haven't ever even tried to contact her since she abandoned Canterlot. I wouldn't have said, "I love you." It was too weak, and it was a lie at this point. I wanted to be able to look into her deep, beautiful, amethyst-hued eyes and say,  ** _"I hope this is what you fucking wanted."_**

But I was alone. In hindsight, I have always been alone. I don't know how I could have been selfish enough to want someone to watch the miracle of my death.

I was alone when I was underwater. Even if it pricked and burned, I forced my eyes wide open. I couldn't see my body, but I felt it shudder as icy needles quickly pierced my nerves and numbed everything. It filled my throat and forced me to cough it out and gasp it back in until I could feel it all finally fading.

I was fading. I was becoming numb.

But I would be forgotten.

That's why I dragged myself back out of the lake like the disappointing coward I was. I didn't want to be forgotten. I knew it was a lost cause. But some microscopic part of me wanted at least one pony to see me die and remember the spectacle.

It took a few minutes to cough up all the water and let my eyes adjust again before I started to return home.

I can't say whether I regret it or not. I wish I was dead. Would it even matter if I was forgotten, if I wasn't even alive to see just how little the world would change without me? But I think there might be a happy ending, sometimes. It's a false hope that I can't extinguish even when I try. I wish I could. I can't stand being misled like that.

I stopped reading fiction because I wanted to stop thinking about happy endings. I focus all my attention, all day, on books that have nothing but fact. I don't care if they're boring. Or, rather, I prefer it if they're boring. The less intriguing it is, the less dramatic it is, the less I have to subject myself to tragedy and false hope. When I read every word in my house that wasn't a sugarcoated lie, I started going to the library and spending the day there. Quiet, full of factual books to distract me from fantasies. No one remembers anyone, so I'm not alone anymore. I'm still forgotten, but in the end, I'd like to forget myself. And forget everything I ever felt.

I still haven't forgotten Twilight. But I've stopped feeling anything, and she'll never return to bring my twisted memories to the surface, so maybe I don't have to.

My life is a desparate, desolate routine. Maybe it'll evolve and I'll be worth something.

~~I hope so.~~


End file.
